HBM050: The Scientist is not the Angel of Death

/
 

What's a life worth? About $25, before shipping.  At least, that's the case if you want a high-quality inbred lab mouse, like the C57BL/6J (in the biz, they just call them "black mice"). 

In this episode of Here Be Monsters, Jeff Emtman joins "The Scientist," an unnamed cancer researcher, for an after-hours trip to his lab, where they visit the hundreds of lab mice that he tends to.  The Scientist's job is to inject his mice with cancer cells, then attempt to cure them using experimental treatments.  After the cancers become too large, he kills the mice. 

The Scientist says that he is not a satanist, despite the satanic art that covers much of his body.   Instead, he considers himself a utilitarian, someone who believes that sacrifices must be made to promote the most good for the most beings (human or otherwise).  And "sacrifice" is actually the technical term he and others use for killing the mice.  The Scientist admits that it is a euphemistic word, but defends it because "from their sacrifice, you gain knowledge."

In his lab, the death comes via carbon dioxide, which is often thought to be the most painless option (though it has critics).  Other labs use cervical dislocation--though generally there's a requirement that the animal must be unconscious first.  

After the lab, Jeff and The Scientist sit out on a porch drinking beer, discussing the path to becoming a scientist, The Scientist's admiration of Neil Degrasse Tyson, and the beautiful French animated film, Fantastic Planet.

Music: Lucky Dragons, The Black Spot, Flowers

 

Jeff Emtman wearing his protective garb prior to entering The Scientist's lab.

The Scientist points to the spot where he injects cancer cells into lab mice.

Trailer for "Fantastic Planet" (1973). AKA "La Planète sauvage".

HBM049: Sam's Japan Tapes

/
Sam Parker in Japan.

Sam Parker in Japan.

 

When Sam Parker went to Japan to celebrate his mother's 60th birthday, he brought along a handheld audio recorder.  For the next few weeks, he recorded every sound that he could find, attempting to capture as many audio snapshots of Japan as possible. 

Sam doesn't really take pictures.  Without his glasses he's legally blind twice over.  So, to remember and share his trip, he created five beautiful audio postcards.

On this episode, Sam Parker and Jeff Emtman discuss the merits of deep listening and whether it's possible for a sound to be truly ugly.   Sam also shares three of his audio postcards. 

You can download all of Sam's postcards at observance.bandcamp.com (also embedded below).

Sam and Jeff met in college while working at KUGS-fm, a student operated station in Bellingham, Washington.  Sam taught Jeff how to listen closely.  

Music: Sam and Jeff made all the music on this episode using a guitar and a synthesizer, respectively.

 

Photos Courtesy David Parker and Juliana de Groot.

This episode contains postcards 1, 3, and 2 (in that order).  Here are Sam's liner notes:

Postcard 1 (begins 08:30)

My dad being a smart-ass on top of Mount Omuro, Izu Peninsula.

Old-school drone at the Meiji Shrine gift shop.

Crowds at the Osaka aquarium

Samurai re-enactment at Himeji Castle.

A private onsen in the town of Ito.

Mystery music coming from out of the woods at Yoyogi Park + my mom explaining directions for purifying yourself pre-shrine.

Birdsong from Miyajima, one of the most serene places I have ever been to.  You should go.

Postcard 3 (begins 11:40)

A television playing an old Donald Duck cartoon in Shimokitazawa.

Lunch-time rush hour at Shibuya station - each beep is a person going through the gate.

A bucolic little tune being piped through speakers in a light-post.

The performance artist Morimura Yasumasa re-enacting the final words of author Yukio Mishima.

Windchimes at Daisho-in temple, which was maybe the most beautiful place I’ve ever been to in my life, no hyperbole. 

Postcard 2 (begins 15:00)

An ATM transaction in Harajuku

Music in the lobby of a hostel in Miyajima

The best laugh I heard all trip, Narita airport.

An anti-militarization/nuclear warfare protest in Osaka. The current Prime Minister (Shinzo Abe) is a hawk and has authorized an expansion of US military bases in Okinawa.

While in Miyajima, I walked by a building and someone had left a portable CD player with a speaker on a staircase. It was playing this song on repeat. This was pretty typical of Miyajima. There are also some wind chimes playing very low in certain places. Maybe you can hear them?

 

HBM048: Barrie's Mental Tempest

/
Temptation of Christ, By Dutch-French painter Ary Scheffer, 1854. 

Temptation of Christ, By Dutch-French painter Ary Scheffer, 1854. 

 

Barrie Wylie has heard voices for as long as he can remember. Growing up on a small island in Scotland, the voices in his head were like secret best friends that he could play with. When he left school to become a fisherman at 15, his voices told him he was a disciple of Jesus.  He believed he could control the weather and prevent harm befalling his boat and his crew.

As Barrie got older, his voices intensified. They became more aggressive, telling him to harm himself and others.

He learned to cope by silencing the voices with alcohol and other drugs.  He wound up in police custody more than once. 

When a family friend died under mysterious circumstances, Barrie was arrested and falsely suspected of murder.  While in custody, he told his doctor about his voices.   An autopsy later revealed that the friend died of natural causes. 

But Barrie spent the next seven years in and out of psychiatric hospitals, all while heavily medicated for paranoid schizophrenia. The voices don't leave him, no matter how much medication he took. They only got worse, until Barrie believed he heard the devil himself inside his brain. 

He tried to kill himself at least twice.  [Please note: this episode contains two descriptions of attempted suicide.] 

It was a social worker from the hospital who first suggested the Hearing Voices Network to Barrie.  HVN takes an unorthodox approach.  They say that hearing voices in and of itself should not yield a diagnosis.  They encourage people to talk to the their voices, treat their voices as if they're real people.  This approach is not universally accepted.

But Barrie said that talking to his voices actively gave him agency he never had before.  He stopped trying to rid himself of his voices and instead learned how to have healthy relationships with them.  He stopped trying to hurt himself.  He stopped believing that his voices could control him. 

He joined Facebook support groups that advocated the Hearing Voices appoach.  And that's where he fell in love with Rachel.  She also heard voices.   Barrie and Rachel are now married and have a young child together.   He says he couldn't be happier. 

Barrie runs a website documenting his story and helping others through theirs. 

This episode was produced by Luke Eldridge.  Luke is an independent producer living in the UK.  The episode was edited by Bethany Denton, with help from Jeff Emtman, and Nick White. 

Music: Serocell, Flowers, The Black Spot

We recently released another (very different) story about mental illness and delusions of Jesus.  It's HBM039: A Goddamn Missionary, in which a man with Bi-polar Disorder learns to control his manic episodes through medication and altruism. 

 

Barrie and Rachel's wedding.

HBM047: Peacocks Without Tails

/
Jeff Emtman’s bald head generated by some questionable artificial intelligence.

Jeff Emtman’s bald head generated by some questionable artificial intelligence.

 

When Hippocrates noticed that the hair on the top of his head was falling out, he fought it by applying various ointments of opium to his scalp.  But none of them worked.  So he called it a disease and named it "Alopecia" (translated to "disease of the fox") after the mangy, hairless foxes that wandered Greece in those days.  His friends called it something different though, they called it a "Hippocratic Wreath." He also tried sheep urine.  That didn't work either. 

Content Note: Language.

Like Hippocrates, HBM Host Jeff Emtman is concerned about his hair loss.  And unlike Hippocrates, Jeff is staying away from opium and sheep genitals.   However, he wants to know if there's a relationship between baldness and vanity, so he found three bald (and bald-ish) people asked them to share stories of their hair and how they lost it, how they fought it, how they dealt with it, along with their wishes and regrets.  

Jeff Emtman interviewed: 
- Brian Emtman (Jeff's brother), who lost his hair at 20
- Eric Nucci, who has genetically thin hair
- Carrie McCarty, who has trichotillomania, a hair plucking psychiatric disorder

If you're a die-hard Here Be Monsters fan, you'll recognize Carrie's voice from a short radio piece called Psychic Blob, wherein Carrie extracts a benign tumor from Jeff's arm in her backyard.  

Track image for this episode comes from an app called Make Me Bald (free, Android only). 

Music: Monster Rally, Lucky Dragons, The Black Spot, Flowers, Serocell

 

Brian Emtman Hiking in the Cascade Mountains of Washington State.

Eric Nucci in 7th grade

Carrie McCarty composited on to the body of an antelope (per her request)

HBM046: Crooked Skirts

/
Photo of Karen Smith as a child.

Photo of Karen Smith as a child.

 

Growing up in Queens, NY, Karen Smith had no reason to suspect anything was wrong with her. Even when it hurt to sit for too long, or when her clothes didn't fit right, everything seemed fine. That's because Karen's mother did everything she could to hide the fact that Karen had Spina Bifida.  The condition gave Karen severe scoliosis, a curve in her spine that made walking painful and made her skirts hang crooked.  Her mother removed any full-length mirrors from the house in attempts to keep Karen from becoming self-conscious. But as she grew older, her scoliosis became more severe.  And by the time she was in fifth grade, Karen had to be hospitalized in a children's ward, in and out of a corrective halo.  This was just the beginning of three long years of treatment.

Bedridden and limited in her mobility by body casts and back braces, Karen judged the passing of time by the sounds around her as her vision progressively worsened. She found solace in her AM radio, pulling in stations in from far away in the middle of the night.  She heard sounds of the courtyard below, filtering up through an open window.  She wondered if the other kids would be too old to play with her by the time she's healthy enough to join them. 

 
 

Music: Garrett Tiedemann of American Residue Records

This story was produced and scored by Garrett Tiedemann, creator of The White Whale podcast.  Garrett also works for Sister Story, a series that shares the daily lives of Catholic nuns.   Bethany Denton and Jeff Emtman edited this piece. Nick White is our editor at KCRW.

We're just shy of 400 ratings on iTunes, please write a review!

 

HBM045: Deep Stealth Mode (How To Be A Girl)

/
 


  • Please Note: Transcript partially generated by artificial intelligence and may contain inaccuracies.

    Bethany Denton 0:07
    From the independent producer project of KCRW, this is Here Be Monsters.



    Marlo Mack 0:16 (narrating)
    I think I'm going to try just talking into the microphone every once in a while to see what comes out. Today took my kiddo to a park how these water fountains spraying and kids running around screaming when we were changing into her bathing suit in the park restroom, she said someone just looked under the stall and she was so upset and I said well, it was probably just a little kid and she was really not happy about it. That someone could have seen her privates. And then after she did her playing in the water, we went back to change back into her clothes in the same stall. I don't think there was anyone else in the bathroom, but she insisted on keeping her long swimming shirt on and pulled down over her bottom until she could get some shorts and underpants on to cover things up. So we're definitely in deep stealth mode. Maybe that's why she likes spies and ninjas so much right now.

    Because they sneak around and they get to decide who sees them. My mom noticed that she was tucking in her…tucking her penis back between her legs when she was getting dressed. I didn't notice. But grandma did. She told me so I asked my daughter about it.



    Marlo Mack 2:00
    So I noticed that lately.

    Daughter 2:05
    Yeah?

    Marlo Mack 2:06
    I noticed that lately. Sometimes when you're like getting dressed, you're kinda like tucking your penis in between your legs.

    Daughter 2:16
    I don't like it.

    Marlo Mack 2:19
    okay, you don't like your penis?

    She said "I just don't like my penis mom. I just don't like it". And I said "why?" And she said "Because I'm a girl. I want a vagina."


    ~~~~~~
    Jeff Emtman 2:47
    Here Be Monsters the podcast about:

    Marlo Mack 2:50
    about why is Darth Vader mean?

    Jeff Emtman 2:53
    the podcast about the unknown.
    ~~~~~~


    Marlo Mack 3:21 (narrating)
    So here's the background part. My kiddo was seven years old. When she was born, she she appeared to have all the parts you'd expect. On a boy.



    Daughter 3:36
    So, when I was little, my mom didn’t know I was a girl and I didn't like that. I wanted to be a girl. I liked to wear dresses and I liked my little pony. And I liked fairies.



    Marlo Mack 4:03 (narrating)
    As soon as she could crawl, she crawled toward the princesses and as soon as she could talk she begged me to buy her dresses and pretty soon after that. She told me that something had gone wrong in my tummy. That made her come out as a boy instead of a girl and she wanted me to put her back in my tummy. So she could come out again as a baby girl. And she was not even four when she said that to me. And ever since then. She's held fast to that, to that message. This absolutely rock solid assertion. Day in day out, year in year out, that she is a girl.



    Marlo Mack 4:45
    Come on, let's get some breakfast and get to camp. Camp camp camp, get your bathing suit, your sunscreen.



    Marlo Mack 5:00 (narrating)
    So it's Monday morning. It's a beautiful sunny summer day. And my daughter is going to a new summer camp this morning. We've never been there before. I was registering her last night. They wanted to know on the registration male or female. So I clicked female. And of course now I'm wondering should I tell them? Could that avert potential disaster or do I just trust that if it comes up, she'll handle it.



    Marlo Mack 5:46
    There's one thing I had to ask you about, okay, so you go into a new camp. We don't know anybody there yet. They sound really nice. But I'm wondering, do you want me to tell one of the teachers there that you're a girl with a penis just in case somebody? And just in case you need some help or some kid asks you that? I mean, I'm sure I don't think anyone's going to notice but it's just Do you want me to tell anybody in case you need help?

    Daughter 6:14
    No! No!

    Marlo Mack 6:20
    I won't. Okay, okay.

    I didn't tell anybody. When I signed you up, I just said my daughter is coming. She's six years old. She's a girl.

    I didn't tell anybody. Because it's up to you to tell people if you want and I don't think anyone's gonna notice because you're very private about your body. And it's up to you. Who knows? Do you need a tissue honey? But it sounds like you do not want me to tell the teacher your decision.



    Marlo Mack 7:25 (narrating)
    We’re going into what they call “stealth mode”. Sounds so military. It sounds really serious stuff. I guess it is serious. You can still get fired for being transgender. You can still get killed for being transgender. Probably not at summer camp today. But managing a secret is not fun.



    Marlo Mack 7:50
    Let's go. Let's get your clothes on and go to camp [kissing sound, laughing]. Alright, let's go! It's gonna be so fun.

    Marlo Mack 8:25
    Let's go find your oh, let's go over here. Good Morning!

    Unidentified Voice 8:27
    Good Morning. So could I get your first day picture?

    Marlo Mack 8:30
    First day picture. Okay

    Unidentified Voice 8:35
    You could stand right there and look at the camera. Big smile, oh that’s great. Love it



    Marlo Mack 9:00 (narrating)
    When Laverne Cox was on the cover of Time magazine, I showed her the picture and I said look at this. Look at this beautiful, smart, famous lady that everyone loves. She's also transgender. She's like you, she’s on the cover of a magazine that everybody in all of America is looking at. There's nothing wrong with you. You're special.

    So, her new best friend in the world is a little girl who lives a block away from our house. The girls were having a playdate last weekend. It was a beautiful warm, sunny day and they wanted to go run around in the sprinkler. So I fished out some swimsuits for them. And the next thing I know they're heading into the bathroom together to change, kind of raise my eyebrows and looked at my daughter and kind of checking in with her. She said “Oh Mom It's okay. She's already seen my privates.” And her friend just stood there like, “We're good.” And they went into the bathroom, changed into their swimsuits and ran out into the sun to play.



    Marlo Mack 10:25
    Hey sweetheart. So she already knew that you were transgender. How did she know?

    Daughter 10:30
    Told her.

    Marlo Mack 10:35
    You told her? When did you tell her?

    Daughter 10:40
    I trusted her.

    Marlo Mack 10:40
    You trusted her? How’d it come up?

    Daughter 10:47
    I just kind of did one day. I sad “I’m transgender, do you know what that means?” Explained it to her.

    Marlo Mack 10:52
    She was okay with it? How did you explain it?

    Daughter 10:58
    I just did. How I explain it to everyone. Okay, she was just like, all right.

    Marlo Mack 11:05
    Did you explain to her about privacy?

    Daughter 11:09
    Yes, I told her, “Please don’t tell anyone else.”

    Marlo Mack 11:12
    Okay. All right. Well, I'm really glad you have a friend that you trust. She's a good friend.



    Marlo Mack 11:20 (narrating)
    This conversation where she told her friend that she's transgender had happened weeks prior. And I called up her mother and told her I said Your daughter has known this for a while. But my daughter told her it's private. So she didn't even tell you, did she? I mean, she didn't even tell her own parents. said Your daughter is…she's a good friend. It makes me think we don't give our kids enough credit. A lot of adults I've met can't keep their mouth shut when it comes to this. And yet, I think the seven year olds, I think they know what privacy means and trust and friendship. She certainly has one good friend in her corner


    Marlo Mack 12:15
    What's your favorite thing about being transgender?

    Daughter 12:20
    My favorite about being transgender is that I’m myself now. When you’re transgender, you’re more yourself.

    Marlo Mack 12:32
    What's the hardest thing about being transgender?

    Daughter 12:37
    It’s kind of hard because so many people might forget tha it's kept private. Tell other people that not everybody will know. And people might tease you

    Marlo Mack 12:51
    Might.

    Daughter 12:53
    And some people might just ask questions.

    Marlo Mack 12:56
    Good people won't tease you. Yeah,

    Daughter 12:59
    They'll just ask questions or nothing.

    Marlo Mack 13:01
    Right. Have you ever been teased?

    Daughter 13:05
    No.

    Marlo Mack 13:05
    What would you do if someone tasty for being transgender?

    Daughter 13:09
    I don't know.


    Marlo Mack 13:15 (narrating)
    I can't pretend that everyone in the world is going to support her that gotta prepare her for the people who won't. She can't stay in innocence forever. I want to help her prepare. For those people she will inevitably encounter.

    I can't tell her it's not gonna happen. I have to say, “yeah, it might. And we're going to figure it out.” I'm just going to tell her “We're not going to have a 100% success rate here. Some people are gonna find out. And some of them are gonna want to understand some people are jerks. They're just like Darth Vader. They're too sad and angry to be nice.”

    I'll never forget that when she was four or five. She watched a little bit of Star Wars. She said “Why is Darth Vader mean? Why is he evil?” It was beyond her conception that someone might just be bad. There had to be a reason. She couldn't understand why there would be evil, because she'd never really seen it which is a wonderful thing. So I told her that people are bad because they're feeling bad. Something bad happened to them in the past. And they're feeling really rotten. And so they're acting like Darth Vader. That's why people act bad. Which I think is true.


    Marlo Mack 15:00
    So if someone asked you, “What does that mean to be transgender for you?” What would you say?

    Daughter 15:11
    If you were born and your mom dad thought you're a boy, but in your heart and when you go up and you and you could talk to him tell them and you wanted to be a girl. Like let's say this that you're a boy because you had a penis, but you felt like a girl and so for example, a girl with a penis would be transgender. Or a boy with a vagina.

    Marlo Mack 15:39
    What do you think it's gonna be like to be a grown up transgender woman?

    Daughter 15:40
    Special.

    Marlo Mack 15:40
    Why?

    Daughter 15:45
    I don't know.

    Marlo Mack 15:45
    Do you think you would ever change your mind? Want to be a boy?

    Daughter 15:56
    No, I just want to be a girl who likes ninjas “hyah, hyah!” [laughs]


    Marlo Mack 16:15 (narrating)
    She remembers being told that there was something wrong with her. Nobody ever put it that way. But she was told for the first four years of her life that she was a boy. And she had to fight and fight and fight to convince me and everyone else that she was a girl. So I guess the early message was there's something wrong with you. There's something weird here. There's something that even your own mother doesn't understand. If your own mother doesn't understand who you are, then how can you trust that the rest of the world will get it?

    It's like I'm always trying to think ahead, and I'm never quite able to. What's lurking around the corner that's gonna surprise us and hurt her? What can I prevent from happening by telling her that her pants are too tight or telling other parents not to tell their kids? I know I can't protect her from everything. But I'm gonna do whatever I can to protect her from most of it so that I'm the one feeling the heartbreak and not her.



    Daughter 17:39
    Do you have any other questions?

    Marlo Mack 17:40
    Is there anything that you want me to do differently to help you out? Or am I doing okay?

    Daughter 17:45
    You’re doing really fine, Mom.

    Marlo Mack 17:50
    I love you.

    Daughter 17:55
    You too.

    Daughter 18:00
    [singing from Disney’s Frozen] ………the one’s controlled me, can’t get to me at all. Time to feel what I can do, [unintelligible]...you don’t need to let them know…but now they know!!! Let it go, let it go, run with the wind and skies. Let it go, let go, you’ll never see me cry. Here I stand and here I stay, let the storm rage on….cold never bothered me anyways.



    Jeff Emtman 18:54
    This episode of Here Be Monsters was produced by someone who wants to be called Marlo Mack. Marlo Mack is not her real name. She's choosing to keep her and her daughter's identity secret until her daughter's a bit older, old enough to decide for herself if she wants to share her identity or not. Marlo Mack has her own podcast that follows her daughter's journey through a transgender childhood. It's called How to be a girl. How To Be A Girl as part of The Heard which is a new podcast collective. Marlo is also the writer behind Gender Mom, a blog about daily life with a transgender daughter. You can find links to How To Be A Girl, The Heard, and Gender Mom on our website, which is HBMpodcast.com. Also on our website, you'll find portraits drawn by Marlo's daughter with long blonde hair and pink dresses. You'll also find a picture of a meeting between Marlo's daughter and actress and activist Laverne Cox. If you are a transgender child or the parent of one, we have a small set of resources up on our website. Again, we're HBM podcast.com This episode was edited by me, Jeff Emtman, along with help from Bethany Denton and Nick White, who is our editor at KCRW. And if you're enjoying our shows, please tell your friends word of mouth is how we grow. Here Be Monsters is a production of the independent producer project that KCRW. Music in this episode came from The Black Spot. Thanks for listening, More episodes soon.

    End

Marlo Mack gave birth to a son.  At least, she thought she did.  As a toddler, her son crawled towards dresses, wanted to be a princess, asked to grow long blonde hair.  And at age 3, Marlo's son requested to return to her tummy so he could come back out as a baby girl.  Marlo thought it was a phase--it wasn't.  So she started learning how to raise a very young transgender daughter.  She started keeping audio diaries. 

In this episode, Marlo sends her child to a new summer camp, and struggles with giving her autonomy in revealing her gender identity to other children. 

Marlo faces questions daily about how to best raise her daughter.  How can she stimulate her child while protecting her in a world often unkind to transfolk?  She tells her daughter that there are some people who are like Darth Vader, just too sad to be kind anymore. 

Marlo Mack and her daughter produce a podcast about their life together called How to Be a Girl.  Marlo generously gave us access to her raw recordings for use on this episode.  How to Be a Girl is part of The Heard, a new podcast network.  Marlo also writes a blog called Gender Mom. 

Marlo Mack is a pseudonym.  She will keep their true identities secret until her child is old enough to understand the risks of revealing her identity.  These risks are real.  2015 has been an especially bad year for trans folk;  2015 has already seen the murders of at least 15 American trans women.  Marlo and her daughter exist in what they call "deep stealth mode." 

So, when do you tell people that you're a girl with a penis? When is it safer to hide?

This episode was produced by Marlo Mack.  Jeff Emtman edited it with help from Bethany Denton and Nick White. 

Music:  The Black Spot 

Resources for trans children and their parents: 
Trans Youth Family Allies   - for families of trans youth
The Trevor Project - specifically crisis and suicide prevention
YouthResource - specifically for trans/lgbt youth
Human Rights Campaign - list of resources for trans youth

 

Video by Marlo Mack.

Marlo's daughter meets advocate and actress Laverne Cox.